I couldn’t resist putting this one up. A friend emailed me this one. I love the show 24. These made me laugh.
If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he’d shoot Nina twice.
If everyone on “24” followed Jack Bauer’s instructions, it would be called “12”.
Jack Bauer doesn’t speak any foreign languages, but he can make any foreigner speak English in a matter of minutes.
Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.
If you wake up in the morning, it’s because Jack Bauer spared your life.
Jack Bauer’s calendar goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.
When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.
Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
Jack Bauer is the ‘i’ in team.
Superman wears Jack Bauer pyjamas.
Jack Bauer’s house has an alarm system — not to warn Jack of intruders, but to warn the intruders of Jack.
When E.T. phoned home, Jack Bauer answered.
Nobody says ‘hit me’ when Jack Bauer deals Blackjack.
If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then it’s fucking beef.
When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer fucking hates lemonade.
It’s no use crying over spilt milk… Unless that was Jack Bauer’s milk. Oh you are so screwed.
1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.
Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.
Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.
During the commercials, Jack Bauer calls the CSI detectives and solves their crimes.
Osama bin Laden’s recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.
Jack Bauer doesn’t miss. If he didn’t hit you it’s because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
If Jack Bauer misspells a word, your dictionary is wrong.
If Rosa Parks was in Jack Bauer’s seat, she’d move to the back of the bus.
Every mathematical inequality officially ends with “< Jack Bauer". Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry. When President Palmer quit to start doing Allstate commercials, it took him 43 takes before he could stop saying, "You're in good hands with Jack Bauer". When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help. On a high school math test, Jack Bauer put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Jack Bauer solves all his problems with Violence. Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better fucking do it. Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness. Jack Bauer's favourite color is severe terror alert red. His second favourite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent. Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact. Jack Bauer once double teamed a girl.. by himself. When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables. Jack Bauer removed the "Escape" button from his keyboard. Jack Bauer never needs to escape. Jack Bauer has Jesus-like healing powers. But when Jack brings someone back to life, he kills them again. When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out. In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What the fuck have you done with your life? Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he's done it twice. Jack Bauer prompts the "Game Over" message when he enters the Matrix. There are no such thing as lesbians, just women who never met Jack Bauer. When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer. Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30. You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink. If you're holding a gun to Jack Bauer's head, don't count to three before you shoot. Count to 10. That way, you get to live 7 seconds longer. Guns don’t kill people, Jack Bauer kills people. Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk. Finding Nemo would have been vastly more exciting had Jack Bauer been looking for him. There is the right way, the wrong way, and the Jack Bauer way. It's basically the right way but faster and more deaths. If Jack Bauer was gay, his name would be Chuck Norris. Men are ok with their wives fantasizing about Jack Bauer during sex; because they are doing the same thing. In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell. Jack Bauer doesn't play the game SORRY. Jack Bauer apologizes to no one. If Jack Bauer saw a terrorist reaching for a bomb to blow himself up, Jack would shoot the bomb first. Nobody steals a kill from Jack Bauer. Your attraction to Jack Bauer in no way affects your sexual orientation. People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer. [tags]Jack Bauer, 24, Funny, Humour[/tags]
